Jean-Bertrand de la Pâte Feuilletée asked:

Bonjour Jean-Jaques,

My wife and I were wondering, while we were making love at dawn, what
was worse : being a French cheese-eating surrender monkey or winning a
Peace Nobel prize for negociating with Iran and asking- on bended knee
- North Korea to be patient?

thank u.
Jean-Bertrand de la Pâte Feuilletée

It’s Jaques-Francois, not Jean-Jaques.

Well, winning any prize is usually a good thing. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize is even better, and it’s one of the highest awards in the world.

So yeah, I would say that winning a prize is way better then being a french cheese-eating surrendering monkey frog.
Actually having no eyes, hands, feet, ears, tongue and balls is still way better then being french.

So there you go ! For more questions, Ask Frenchhater.

Ah oui, ze mighty french snail.

Cooked with garlic or cheese, dead or alive, filthy or filthy, the éscargot is french for “slimy slimy snail”, and it’s considered a french delicacy. Which is probably why nobody else should eat it.

Look at it … so slimy, squishy and yucky … yum-yum !!!

When you visit France, you’ll probably feel the need to eat stuff you don’t know the meaning to. Well now you know that when you see “éscargot” somewhere … they’ll try to insert french snails up down your throat, or up your ass if you refuse the first one.

French people are sick and evil, be sure to order French Fries everytime.

If you’re a modern woman, you probably shave your armpits, legs and other places constantly to look more attractive and feel more beautiful. Which is good. I like that. But what if you’re a secret agent ? A female secret agent ? And you have a mission in France …

You’ll need a pair of these:

In France, being a french woman means you’ll take off your clothes on a hourly basis … that’s if you have clothes.
Being a hot female secret agent in France means you’ll probably have to get naked in front of many men before you kill them, and to be able to kill them you must make them feel safe (and then shove a hamburger in their necks … french people hate hamburgers). Frenchmen feel safe around french women (although french women are hairy, dirty and probably have all kinds of diseases).
And all french women have hair down there and armpit hair, thus being a secret agent posing as a french woman will be impossible if you look good … and wax/shave/laser your hair.

This technique can be used also in other countries and would be useful in the war against the French.
I mean just imagine how many nukes will be sent the moment a “french woman” annoys the russian president. Dream come true.

So all you non-french ladies out there, go buy a pair of french hairy panties ! Save the world !

I’ve talked about the french surrendering and stuff, but haven’t really mentioned how to say “I surrender” in Francais. At least I don’t think I have.

Of course nobody will probably use the sentence because on this planet nobody else surrenders, but here you go:

“Je me rends !”

If you hear that from a frenchmen, you’ll know what to do.

Potpourri is yet another French invention that infected the planet with it’s slime. The name in French is actually “pot-pourri” which basically means rotten pot. I’ll explain why.

You see, the French were always careful with the environment, even in the dark ages. As back then they didn’t have cigars to puff a layer of smoke like the one in Paris right now, they made their towns smell bad with other things like garlic, rotten eggs, dead french animals, onions, hairy armpits and unwashed french vaginas.

But just laying them around would make them dissapear naturally after a while, so the French got this amazing idea to put them in pots and place a layer of sea salt over them to create a layer of mold after a while, so the smell stink would be more powerful, and so they could keep the french people from eating the yummy but rotten things in the pot (french people hate salt).

Nowadays around the world potpourri is used for decorative purposes and of course to provide a nice smell around the house (if you use flowers and stuff that smells nice, nothing french). So yeah, don’t buy one.

Pierre asked:

Why are french people so fucking gay ?

I could give an elaborate answer so you all would understand why but I’m kinda bored with the French today so I’m going to keep this short.

French men are gay because they have sex with each other.
If that’s not enough to make them gay, they also eat snails, which can only be pleasurable for people who like to have flappy cocks in their mouth.

Next slimy french question please !!
Au revoir.