So yes, next time you want to say “DANG !!!” just say “Zut alors !!!” as french as you possibly can.
It will make your life more interesting. You may wake up in a hospital.

Cooked with garlic or cheese, dead or alive, filthy or filthy, the éscargot is french for “slimy slimy snail”, and it’s considered a french delicacy. Which is probably why nobody else should eat it.

Look at it … so slimy, squishy and yucky … yum-yum !!!

When you visit France, you’ll probably feel the need to eat stuff you don’t know the meaning to. Well now you know that when you see “éscargot” somewhere … they’ll try to insert french snails up down your throat, or up your ass if you refuse the first one.

French people are sick and evil, be sure to order French Fries everytime.

Of course nobody will probably use the sentence because on this planet nobody else surrenders, but here you go:

“Je me rends !”

If you hear that from a frenchmen, you’ll know what to do.

How did it all begin ?
Well you see … there was once a french priest. A slimy french priest. Who smoked. A slimy french priest who smoked cigars. French cigars.
And this slimy french priest who smoked french cigars was called Valentine (Val-ehn-ton!!!). As France was at war, losing, all the young frenchmen were denied the right to get married so they could be recruited without hurting french women (the potential hairy armpit and moustachey wives). French women were a country asset so the government had to protect them as it could.

But the slimy french priest who smoked french cigars called Valentine kept marrying french men and women and french men and men. The french goverment thought this to be too slimy even for a god damn french priest so they killed him. Because he was such a kind frenchman, he reached heaven. Amazingly it wasn’t the French heaven he was expecting, but it was an american heaven version.

There he ate at McDonald’s for 14 days and 14 nights, so he got really fat. Too fat for a french man.
He received a bow and an arrow from God, and as he couldn’t stay anymore in paradise (because he was french), he was sent to earth to be this fat person with a tiny bow that pushes people into having orgies sex. He always watches and masturbates. Amazing.

When will it stop ?
Never. Never ever. As long as women want crap and men want sex, men will buy crap to get laid on the 14th of February.
I believe that there is a small chance that all women are part french.

Why the “French Valentine’s Day Gifts” title ?
Because I was going to talk about French Valentine’s Day Gifts … here I go !
Here’s what you shouldn’t buy :
Gift #1 : A waxing/shaving device for a french woman. You will die a horrible french death. She’ll probably even place her bushy armpits over your face and say “Don’t you like this ??? Ha ??? Fucking american pig.”
Gift #2 : Cigars. You’ll only get smoked and die of lung cancer.
Gift #3 : Soap. French fear that (and you can’t buy it anyway because they don’t sell that shit in France).
Gift #4 : Flowers. French women are too pretty for flowers, right ?
Gift #5 : S&M kit.

Here’s what you should buy :
Gift #1 : A slimy french flag.
Gift #2 : Cheese. Smelly cheese. The french can’t have enough of that. With garlic.
Gift #3 : The iconic french beret.
Gift #4 : Slimy sheepskin condoms. French women love that. Especially if the sheepskin has little hairs.
Gift #5 : A keychain Eiffel Tower. Because even if you live in Paris, smoking and being a french rude asshole (or pussy) takes a lot of time and you don’t get to visit the real thing too often.

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day everybody ! I’m trying to ignore the horrors I’m about to witness today around Paris. Amazing.

Translation : Didon ate, it is said, from the back of a fat turkey.

Francais is insane.

“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.

“Toilette pepper!”

See what the French have done ??? They’ve infested Europe (and a big part of the slimy Canadians) with their god damn smelly french language.
Remember what i said about French being laxative ?
I guess the world is going to need more toilet paper.

First thing this year we must learn to speak some slimy french … here’s one :
“Bonne Année”, which means Happy New Year in francais.

The second thing i’d like to do is wish you all a very wonderful year (yes, you slimy french too) full of funny french events and wonderful good times related to the french.

As for my new year’s resolution … i’d like to start posting twice a day (starting the next couple of days, because i’m a little dizzy right now), and make this blog more popular, because the French need the attention, right ?

Yes, this amazing day of the year arrived again. A reason for my wife to empty my credit cards, a reason for the French thieves to be happy because of all the tourists visiting slimy Paris for their orgies, a reason to plant a tree in your house and decorate it with lights that might burn the whole damn thing down, a reason to look out the window hoping to see that fat guy with those deer-animal-like-creatures running away with the milk and cookies.
I’m going to tell you a little secret about this very special and expensive day …

Santa Claus is French !!!

Yes. You see … it’s all a big French lie.
Jesus wasn’t born in France and didn’t want to go to France (ever !!!), so the French were very upset about that and called one of their famous cookie and milk eaters, and put him to the test.
This test included a lot of French cow milk and a lot of imported Chinese fortune-cookies, which mister Claus (notice that name still sounds french) managed to pass (through his huge stomach).

Soon they all found out Claus became immortal (probably from all those cookies), and because they didn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour in France, they banished him to the North pole.
Since then, the French Santa Claus makes a long trip every 25th december to gather cookies and milk for a whole year, and lets the parents buy and place the gifts under the tree. Kids sometimes see this French cookie-stealer and they tell their parents about it, but as the parents don’t want to ruin the surprise, they have to give Santa credit for the presents so they can find out how much their children love Santa Claus and don’t give a damn about them.

The elves that help Santa Claus are French too … they’re French midgets that get in appartments during the summer (when everyone has gone swimming) and steal different toys to sell on the black market (to parents that would buy them and place them under the tree and give credit to Santa for them). Also these elves smuggle cigars and chewing gum in and out of France. You can probably see them in French midget-porn movies.

That’s about it for this French Christmas, hope you’ll have a wonderful day and that “Santa” (aka mom, dad or girlfriend (because we, men, have already spent enough giving our women the credit cards)) brought you something nice and made you forget about this French menace we call Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas to all !
from yours truly, Jaques-Francois Frenchhater

Yup, slimy.