The methodology (it also works for French women’s facial hair) is to approach the other person at a 38 degree angle, using tongues to ensure that garlickly saliva flows down both faces, preventing a catastrophic adhesion.

The mouths are kept open for breathing, so that the amount of rancid odour is minimised. In later years, French people smelled so appalling they developed the “air kiss” which limits any contact between disgusting French people and real human beings.

(sent by Lucifer DeVil, thank you)

Sure the french don’t give out candy or any kinds of sweets, they give dead frogs, onions and of course french garlic. Some of the more generous french people give out snail slime.

Of course every year among the french people getting disguised as something french-related, I see some really strange french people (even for french standards) …

French woman dressed as a french pudel. Awesome !!!

French gay burglars

Menstruating horny french lesbian werewolves

I dressed as a frenchman of course, with a fake moustache, garlic bling-bling chain around my neck, a striped shirt, the mighty french beret and lots of cigarettes.
It was a poor halloween because the french people I’ve visited didn’t understand I was wearing a costume.
Next year I’ll get a baguette costume.

Happy Halloween everyone !

You see that weird freaky light on top of the Eiffel Tower ?
That’s not to make airplanes see where the Eiffel Tower is, because no terrorists would ever run their planes into something as shitty as the Eiffel Tower. It’s there to send signals to aliens. French aliens.

You see, ze french people are not human. It’s not normal for a human to surrender that fast and crap his pants, it’s not normal for a human to not be able to breathe clean air and have a need to smoke all the time, it’s not normal for a human to eat smelly garlic cheese and then bone some females with armpit hair, and baguettes are unnatural.
The French are clearly aliens. Green, slimy, smelly aliens.
No wonder people call them frogs and no wonder they can’t speak any other language properly.

So yeah, that shitty lighty thing on the Eiffel Tower is a beacon for the french aliens, so they know in which part of earth to land.

Last year’s Bastille day was pretty gay, let’s hope this year the french aliens won’t buttfuck each other on the shit filled streets of Paris. Nobody wants to ever see that.
But I will try to snap a picture of french aliens doing it, just in case anyone is interested.

I don’t even want to describe the slimy act.

Here’s a preview:

Have you ever been to one ? I know I have.
It has been so horrible, so disgusting, so sickening, that it took me a couple of days to recover.

I’ve been to the french birthday of a slimy french colleague 4 days ago, and as much as I hate the french, I didn’t expect what I was about to witness.
First of all, before entering the building with the party, I felt a fowl scent in the air. Some kind of motor oil + garlic + dog crap mixed smell. Very very very disturbing. But I held my breath and carried on to the party.

The first thing I noticed at the party were the french women. None of them had sleeves, so I had to pray that they won’t lift up their arms to present their hairy armpits to me. That didn’t work actually, because they were dancing and french women use the “surrender” dance a lot, holding their hands up while moving their hairy asses.

The second thing I noticed was the smoke coming through my nose, mouth and maybe even ears and eyes. A thick thick layer of smoke, and to be honest I don’t think I saw anyone NOT smoking there. Amazingly the windows were open, but somehow the smoke wasn’t going out.

The thing that put an end to everything was a mime. A french mime.
What in France’s name did a fucking mime have to do with the birthday ? The celebrated french colleague wasn’t 6 years old.
And wasn’t just any mime, was an all french mime. Beret, striped shirt, with a cigar in the mouth (although I don’t think he was smoking it, just letting the smoke flow in), white face.

Anyway, I had some drinks, I ate some cake (tasted like it was expired or something), and then I felt so sick I got to a french god damn hospital, where the french motherfuckers didn’t speak english. I finally somehow puked the thing out, but felt sick for about two more weeks.

So yeah, the slimy French have found a way to prevent me from writing. But they haven’t stopped me completely yet.

How did it all begin ?
Well you see … there was once a french priest. A slimy french priest. Who smoked. A slimy french priest who smoked cigars. French cigars.
And this slimy french priest who smoked french cigars was called Valentine (Val-ehn-ton!!!). As France was at war, losing, all the young frenchmen were denied the right to get married so they could be recruited without hurting french women (the potential hairy armpit and moustachey wives). French women were a country asset so the government had to protect them as it could.

But the slimy french priest who smoked french cigars called Valentine kept marrying french men and women and french men and men. The french goverment thought this to be too slimy even for a god damn french priest so they killed him. Because he was such a kind frenchman, he reached heaven. Amazingly it wasn’t the French heaven he was expecting, but it was an american heaven version.

There he ate at McDonald’s for 14 days and 14 nights, so he got really fat. Too fat for a french man.
He received a bow and an arrow from God, and as he couldn’t stay anymore in paradise (because he was french), he was sent to earth to be this fat person with a tiny bow that pushes people into having orgies sex. He always watches and masturbates. Amazing.

When will it stop ?
Never. Never ever. As long as women want crap and men want sex, men will buy crap to get laid on the 14th of February.
I believe that there is a small chance that all women are part french.

Why the “French Valentine’s Day Gifts” title ?
Because I was going to talk about French Valentine’s Day Gifts … here I go !
Here’s what you shouldn’t buy :
Gift #1 : A waxing/shaving device for a french woman. You will die a horrible french death. She’ll probably even place her bushy armpits over your face and say “Don’t you like this ??? Ha ??? Fucking american pig.”
Gift #2 : Cigars. You’ll only get smoked and die of lung cancer.
Gift #3 : Soap. French fear that (and you can’t buy it anyway because they don’t sell that shit in France).
Gift #4 : Flowers. French women are too pretty for flowers, right ?
Gift #5 : S&M kit.

Here’s what you should buy :
Gift #1 : A slimy french flag.
Gift #2 : Cheese. Smelly cheese. The french can’t have enough of that. With garlic.
Gift #3 : The iconic french beret.
Gift #4 : Slimy sheepskin condoms. French women love that. Especially if the sheepskin has little hairs.
Gift #5 : A keychain Eiffel Tower. Because even if you live in Paris, smoking and being a french rude asshole (or pussy) takes a lot of time and you don’t get to visit the real thing too often.

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day everybody ! I’m trying to ignore the horrors I’m about to witness today around Paris. Amazing.

You have 5,217 French comments in moderation

God damn it.

They do have stupid pathetic jobs like being a mime, being a French president or being a basic french gaytard (gay + retard). But they’re artists, so that’s ok. They say they see the world in a different way. Probably a gaytard way.

Have a look at the following artists. Don’t they look like slimy french gaytarded to you ?

Why do the slimy cigarette smoking french be artists ? And why do artist have to be so gay ?
Nobody really knows. No one really cares.

But you can’t move through Paris without seeing entire streets filled with berret wearing moustached french slimy gay mimes with striped shirts and shitty shoes, among the huge crowd of women with hairy armpits and the non-mime gaytards, the one with a canvas and a brush. It’s horrible.

Why doesn’t anyone nuke these bastards ?

Anyway, the slimy French are getting tired of all the jokes against them, so they plan on making the biggest 1st april joke ever in future years. They plan on telling everyone on the 1st of april 2xxx or maybe 3xxx (replace xxx with digits) that they’re taking over the world.

Of course we all know that’s a very good joke and we will probably laugh out non-french asses off, but the French really mean it.
They do have this grand scheme to rule the world …

I guess they’ll do that with:
a) a deadly virus that infects everyone with the french special ability to surrender
b) cigars that make you a pussy
c) mind-controlling berets, that will be a fashion trend in the future

We’ll just have to wait and see The 1st of April.

Oh and … fuck France.
Oh and … april fools you french people. Or is it ?

Men, prepare your flowers, candy, teddy bears and special evening plans (which you should have planned since December).
Women, prepare your hot sexy lingerie and your cute little bottoms.

If you think about it, a special evening of sex isn’t worth all the trouble.
But if you go to France, it will be.

On Valentine’s Day, the French women go crazy in Paris (much like what you see on Girls gone Wild, only with more armpit hair … a lot more), so any man that takes his girlfriend there will be enjoying a lot more then his girlfriend.
If you go with a wife you will probably get nothing, but you will have to protect her all day from horny slimy french men.

Valentine’s Day was actually invented by French women, a long time ago, when the first french hairy women ran around naked and jumped men after they gave them some flowers and a cigar.
Nowadays … well nothing changed.

So everyone enjoy your Valentine’s Day (sex) and thank the French for making you spend money on your own partner for sex. You can thank them with a bat, a nuke or a bar of soap.