French Valentine’s Day Gifts
Ze slimy french have many customs … but among those amazing cheese or french armpit-related habits we can find Valentine’s Day.
First of all, in France they don’t pronounce it like we americans do … Val-en-tine …
In french it sounds like Val-ehn-ton. Amazing.
How did it all begin ?
Well you see … there was once a french priest. A slimy french priest. Who smoked. A slimy french priest who smoked cigars. French cigars.
And this slimy french priest who smoked french cigars was called Valentine (Val-ehn-ton!!!). As France was at war, losing, all the young frenchmen were denied the right to get married so they could be recruited without hurting french women (the potential hairy armpit and moustachey wives). French women were a country asset so the government had to protect them as it could.
But the slimy french priest who smoked french cigars called Valentine kept marrying french men and women and french men and men. The french goverment thought this to be too slimy even for a god damn french priest so they killed him. Because he was such a kind frenchman, he reached heaven. Amazingly it wasn’t the French heaven he was expecting, but it was an american heaven version.
There he ate at McDonald’s for 14 days and 14 nights, so he got really fat. Too fat for a french man.
He received a bow and an arrow from God, and as he couldn’t stay anymore in paradise (because he was french), he was sent to earth to be this fat person with a tiny bow that pushes people into having orgies sex. He always watches and masturbates. Amazing.
When will it stop ?
Never. Never ever. As long as women want crap and men want sex, men will buy crap to get laid on the 14th of February.
I believe that there is a small chance that all women are part french.
Why the “French Valentine’s Day Gifts” title ?
Because I was going to talk about French Valentine’s Day Gifts … here I go !
Here’s what you shouldn’t buy :
Gift #1 : A waxing/shaving device for a french woman. You will die a horrible french death. She’ll probably even place her bushy armpits over your face and say “Don’t you like this ??? Ha ??? Fucking american pig.”
Gift #2 : Cigars. You’ll only get smoked and die of lung cancer.
Gift #3 : Soap. French fear that (and you can’t buy it anyway because they don’t sell that shit in France).
Gift #4 : Flowers. French women are too pretty for flowers, right ?
Gift #5 : S&M kit.
Here’s what you should buy :
Gift #1 : A slimy french flag.
Gift #2 : Cheese. Smelly cheese. The french can’t have enough of that. With garlic.
Gift #3 : The iconic french beret.
Gift #4 : Slimy sheepskin condoms. French women love that. Especially if the sheepskin has little hairs.
Gift #5 : A keychain Eiffel Tower. Because even if you live in Paris, smoking and being a french rude asshole (or pussy) takes a lot of time and you don’t get to visit the real thing too often.
Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day everybody ! I’m trying to ignore the horrors I’m about to witness today around Paris. Amazing.
