I hate french people

Ho-ho-ho (and i don’t mean french women) … Merry Christmas !
Or as the French would put it (while smoking their cigars and chewing their gums at the same time while looking at you like you’re an idiot because you’re holding your nose to prevent their smell from killing you) : Joyeux Noël !

Yes, this amazing day of the year arrived again. A reason for my wife to empty my credit cards, a reason for the French thieves to be happy because of all the tourists visiting slimy Paris for their orgies, a reason to plant a tree in your house and decorate it with lights that might burn the whole damn thing down, a reason to look out the window hoping to see that fat guy with those deer-animal-like-creatures running away with the milk and cookies.
I’m going to tell you a little secret about this very special and expensive day …

Santa Claus is French !!!

Yes. You see … it’s all a big French lie.
Jesus wasn’t born in France and didn’t want to go to France (ever !!!), so the French were very upset about that and called one of their famous cookie and milk eaters, and put him to the test.
This test included a lot of French cow milk and a lot of imported Chinese fortune-cookies, which mister Claus (notice that name still sounds french) managed to pass (through his huge stomach).

Soon they all found out Claus became immortal (probably from all those cookies), and because they didn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour in France, they banished him to the North pole.
Since then, the French Santa Claus makes a long trip every 25th december to gather cookies and milk for a whole year, and lets the parents buy and place the gifts under the tree. Kids sometimes see this French cookie-stealer and they tell their parents about it, but as the parents don’t want to ruin the surprise, they have to give Santa credit for the presents so they can find out how much their children love Santa Claus and don’t give a damn about them.

The elves that help Santa Claus are French too … they’re French midgets that get in appartments during the summer (when everyone has gone swimming) and steal different toys to sell on the black market (to parents that would buy them and place them under the tree and give credit to Santa for them). Also these elves smuggle cigars and chewing gum in and out of France. You can probably see them in French midget-porn movies.

That’s about it for this French Christmas, hope you’ll have a wonderful day and that “Santa” (aka mom, dad or girlfriend (because we, men, have already spent enough giving our women the credit cards)) brought you something nice and made you forget about this French menace we call Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas to all !
from yours truly, Jaques-Francois Frenchhater

This french entry was posted Tuesday, December 25th, 2007 at 1:25 am and is french filed under French habits, French or francais, French pictures, Just french. You can leave a french response, or trackback from your own french site.